A Piglet’s Story

Piglet? Who’s Piglet, right? If you know Winnie the Pooh, you must know who I’m talking about when I say “Anxious little pig”!

He’s my spirit animal: I’m just as anxious, if not more, as him. Today’s writing will be about anxiety… WOOHOO!!

I felt like talking about it because lately, as I’ve been finally putting more energy into my own goals (and I’ll talk about how I used to never do anything for myself for YEARS in another chapter), I’ve also been tremendously more anxious and worried. I’ll be talking for myself here, yet I’m sure that if any anxious person reads this, they’ll relate to multiple things I’ll mention. I’ve been feeling a constant weight in my chest, one that makes it harder to breathe, and that somehow angers you because of how overwhelming it is. Now that I have found things worth loving in my life, other than my boyfriend (because yes, I used to be emotionally dependent on my boyfriend, who could’ve guessed LOL), I have this constant fear of failing, of not knowing how to do something right or “omg what if I try this and it doesn’t turn out the way I expected it???”. Even though I KNOW that if something doesn’t turn out the way I planned, I’ll adapt and make the best of what I have! But anxiety hits me strong and makes it constant. I’ve also been quite stressed out because of my master’s degree: this year is the year I have to decide what I’ll be studying for the next two years, and tbh, only one management degree is interesting to me, but I also wish I could cook and make videos all the time lol.

Anyway, Anxiety.

It also means repeating to myself what I have planned for the day/the week every 20 minutes or so. My to-do list loops around in my head non-stop, as if it were a way for me to be reassured that I won’t forget. But Louise, dw, you WON’T forget about brushing your teeth or checking your emails because you always do these ANYWAY!! Anxiety truly makes you feel crazy, and it drives me NUTS sometimes, like, WON’T YOU JUST CEASE???

Also, I don’t know if this is related to anxiety, but I feel very vivid memories or visions when I smell a specific scent or see a certain lighting or picture. For example, I see sth specific, and suddenly, it brings me to a mid-century modern apartment in New York during Christmas. And it just MAKES SENSE. It happens quickly, and the feeling is vivid but short-lasting, like a “deja vu”. These happen often to make me feel reassured and comforted. My imagination takes me to a place or a time I’ve never visited but, it just feels right and makes me dream of a beautiful future with specific features. They make me feel like I’m in a movie for a second, and it feels great! It also allows me to know what makes me feel better, what’s comforting to me and so, what I should bring into my daily life to feel great.

Whatever, this is going to take forever but basically, anxiety can be submerging, overwhelming, and heavy. This blog is awesome but I’m worried no one will find it, or that it sucks, you know. My videos are even WORSE when it comes to anxiety: I have very precise expectations and a specific message I wanna reflect through my videos, like, my ideas are clear. I know what I want, I know the idea I want to share and send off. I’m very demanding with myself and what I do, and so I’m never exactly satisfied, but I’d like to work on it a bit ahah. What has been helping me with my imagination and made me daydream even more are movies! LalaLand, The Pursuit of Happiness, Mamma Mia, The Notebook… These typical American movies are SOOO good and I guess that’s why I love these vibes so much and why they’re comforting. They’re also very helpful with video-making: they help me with frames, editing, and colorimetry. Movies inspire me in general and help with my anxious thoughts.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I know I’ll learn how to manage it better in the coming months and learn how to doubt myself less (because I also don’t feel legitimate to make food and cooking content but this will also be in another chapter!).

Thank you for reading dear Loupies, I’m off to bake a little something for you guys :)

Love always!! <3

Loupy